went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
181.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*