*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.