Mom: What are you hiding in there?
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.