translated into Canadian
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.