My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent