person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Only short people can save us
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.