@MoistPork

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

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@theshapeburns

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

@big_mick_carter

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

@quantumsleep22

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

@MrSandeepP

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

@girlontapas

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.