There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.


*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*


Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless


Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.


I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.


I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.