Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room