I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors