a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Flowers bee like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert