DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.