I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted