I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.