Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
ibopfufen
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99