I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.