I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…