[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Not helping
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box