“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I need to update my racial profile.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it