How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…