told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Only Americans understand
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.