Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Great Canadian literature.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.