Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro