Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.