Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
This is Sparta
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
time for some seasonal decor
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…