What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Carpe DM
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’ve had relationships like this
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
That’s incredible! 👌
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden