My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss