If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Bread puns are on the rise!
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti