If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.