I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”