55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.