Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met