Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.