I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]