Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
How to draw a duck
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.