We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?