My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
thinking about a very short hotdog
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.