5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
What a website
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Guy who likes music
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥