THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
You Might Also Like
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk