[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get