in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down