tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.