Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Nice try, poison.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Kids: Stay in school.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it