Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one