Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
You Might Also Like
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wednesday
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you