Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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