Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I didn’t come here to be called names
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.