The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?