Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.