People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.