People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When your parents check you’re ok.