When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.