‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
much to think about
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Hello, my name is Pierre.