Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.