me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Just a reminder, folks:
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips